Call of the cold…
Howling wind blows across frozen icescapes raising a low moan between mountains and across the gaping mouths of caves. A primal instinct stirs. The raging salt sea beats a drum against docked ships at the edge of a barren shoreline. A daunting voyage calls. A herd of bison move imperceptibly into the snow storm. They dig their furred heads into banks of white seeking a bite of grass and shrub. A stoic hunger burns. Deep freeze threatens fuel and stores and licks away fire and heat. An intrepid will awakes.
Strength through austerity…
Ice cold temperatures demand strength. They call forth boldness, bravery, resilience, and vigor. The other side of the coin of coziness is severity. Winter embodies severity. That’s why coziness feels so nice during the winter – it’s the maximum contrast to the conditions. One can remain in state of seeking coziness alone throughout the winter for pleasure and relief, but there is also maximal opportunity to use the austerity of the season to cultivate vigor.
I can find no English language word for the desire for harshness, but it is nevertheless something I experience. When there’s nothing but cold, hard, forbidding conditions I feel a fire inside of myself that never burns as fiercely when there are comforts at hand. I feel my strength and vigor more acutely than ever, and it feels better than almost anything I can think of. I’m certain this has something to do with how I’m wired, whether genetically or from patterns of experience it doesn’t really matter, I like severity because it makes me feel badass, even if I’m not.
I’ve occupied far too much time being in deconditioned shape. My strength has waned. My body has become sluggish and inefficient. My speed and capacity both mentally and physically have slipped and softened. When I have been in less physically able states I experience more resistance and burden to activity of any kind. I feel more limitation, and I feel more fear. Once, after massive societal shutdowns that occurred in recent years (you know the ones), I took a day-long road trip north of where I live and back. I had hardly been driving at all at that time, and I was in bad shape from being cooped up indoors for an extended period of time. I have never felt so much fear driving in my life. I love to drive. I used to go for long drives up the winding narrow coastal road just for the pleasure of it. I wasn’t afraid, except for in the briefest moments hitting a curve a little faster than I was comfortable with. But on this road trip north which was mostly clear of traffic on straight stretches of highway I felt fear at the speed of the ordinary unexceptionally fast speed limits. This was a wakeup call for me. Other wake up calls followed, but this was the most striking. A reliable pleasurable experience now scared me. Why? I was living in too much comfort, or at least too much comfort for me.
Warrior mode…
As I observe people I see that different people function well, or optimally, under different conditions. Some people do well always having a teacher or mentor. Some do well with supports (i.e., physical, social, emotional, informational, etc.). Some require structure. Some need openness to create and explore. I need harshness, and I think I’m not alone. If I have support I might just lean on it and never take a risk or really find my edge. With teachers and mentors I stay in their bounds and eat up the praise. Structure and openness are both good for me, but they are best when I choose to apply them to myself under the hardest conditions I can personally handle. I don’t want a drill sergeant and I don’t a kind therapist. I don’t want a cheerleader and I don’t want harsh master. I want the frozen North. I want a live or die challenge. That’s where I rise and find strengths and reserves within myself. That’s where I can know my limits. I look to Vikings, Navy Seals, Klingons, Samurais, Jaffa, and the contestants on the TV show Alone for inspiration. I have a warrior living in blood that feels the cold air blow and comes alive with a terrifying powerful thrill.
Waste not…
Obviously I like comfort too. Most of the posts on this blog have leaned into warmth and coziness. I’m a multifaceted human being like everyone else. I can move through different states, but the trick is to not ignore the important ones and to use or apply different states for different purposes. If I didn’t capitalize on the way the cold air makes me feel to build vigor and vitality in myself I would be a fool. I won’t lie, it can be hard to get myself to step out the door into the cold, but once it hits me a fighting, oppositional, rage-like excitement compels me to stand against the odds and compete against the thing that’s trying to break me down and defeat me. Nothing else creates motivation like this kind.
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